How to set up a modern delivery service

A step-by-step guide for Senior Management. Delivery; how hard can it be? Here’s my 25 point guide to running a logistics company in the modern age. Any similarity with characters in your own organisation is purely because they are extremely commonplace!

  1. Think about that marketing strategy; how can we make people want to use us?
  2. Think some more about marketing; the name is vital. Where can we advertise? What’s our promotional spin?
  3. Think what matters to us and set the KPI’s. Target those drivers and call staff or they won’t work hard.
  4. Okay, we’ve got a customer, now what do we do?
  5. Better buy some vans. Do a deal; beat them up on price. Don’t get those big ones with the side doors; they won’t do a deal on those. Don’t get those high spec ones either; keep it basic, we can’t afford anything more.
  6. Quick, put a complicated phone system in place to stop that customer talking to us; we can’t afford for our staff to spend too long on each call; time is money!
  7. Brainstorm with Directors to come up with a narrow band of options for the phone system; for goodness sake don’t let people deviate from those option because the numpties we have employed won’t know what to do.
  8. Make doubly sure that the options in no.5 are followed, by giving staff strict instructions on what to say. Can we add a nice strapline to the script, because customers love that touch?
  9. Ooh, love that voice recognition stuff; we can avoid employing the numpties by making people talk to computers; win-win!
  10. The phone system must be working; we’ve trebled call volumes! Nice!
  11. Odd; call volumes are up, but customer numbers aren’t? No worries; the marketing must be working to generate all that interest and customers will soon follow.
  12. Okay, now we need to deal with customers chasing the deliveries we promised.
  13. What do you mean, the goods they ordered won’t fit on the vans we bought? Make them fit!
  14. What do you mean the driver couldn’t find the address? Sat Nav wasn’t included in the spec that we bought; get the drivers to buy a bloody map!
  15. We can fleece rich customers with a ‘premium’ service; quicker delivery and even let them choose the day? Can we do am/pm? Wow that’ll impress them. We could buy a sat nav for those deliveries.
  16. KPI report looks good. Call volumes are increasing well; far above our targets and we have successfully limited the amount of time per call for our numpties. Time to draw a dividend!
  17. Hurrah; Delivery times are on target! Unit cost of each trip is low; we’ve got this sussed.
  18. Expansion! We need a new warehouse to log and store all the undelivered items from when the customer failed to wait in for us. That’s a good sign of growth isn’t it?
  19. Odd, my unit cost target for deliveries is spot on, but overall costs are high and profit has missed target. Sack the accountant and get me one that makes the figures work! Oh, and squeeze those targets a bit more; make them drive faster.
  20. One of the drivers handed in their notice today and told me that I need to check how many of our deliveries result in a ‘no access’. Bah, can’t rely on those bloody customers to be in when we want them to.
  21. Call centre staff have also started to leave. They can’t handle the volume of calls; numpties! One even had the cheek to say we should check out how many of the calls related to our failure to deliver! I don’t pay you to think, I pay you to answer phones you numpty.
  22. It’s no good. Our delivery costs are spiraling, customers numbers have stalled and we can’t make payroll. Let’s sack some people and put prices up.
  23. At the emergency management meeting today Steve from the call centre suggested we should try to deliver at specific times that people are at home; hahahahahah! Nice one Steve; think we are made of money fella?! They have no idea what it takes to run a company; leave the thinking to us you numpties
  24. Our customers are too demanding; it’s their fault we are failing. How can I make them wait in longer for us?
  25. Go into administration and go back to point 1 with a phoenix company.
This entry was posted in Delivery and tagged , , , , , , , , by Ian. Bookmark the permalink.

About Ian

Perfect Flow specialises in logistics, but good service is far too rare across all sectors in the UK. That is why I am driven by a strong desire to improve customer service levels. The Vanguard Method of Systems Thinking is my chosen methodology to achieve that aim. Why Vanguard Method? Because it works. I know it does, because I have used it myself. Perfect Flow have been named in the Smarta100 2012 - the 100 most innovative and disruptive small businesses in the UK

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *